Jake Utler...the Cuddly Alter Ego.....

     Ok, I'm writing about Jay Cutler again. It seems the Chicago media just can't let the issue go. Not all, but several of the sports writers are acting like jilted prom dates as they hiss and spit vitriol Cutler's way every chance they get. Having trudged through the 20 inches of snow to my local  7-11 in a valiant attempt to make it to work during yesterday's blizzard, ( I didn't make it, but I did get some cool pictures of snow drifts...)  I picked up the morning paper and flipped it over to check the Sports page first, as I always do. What did I see? Headlines of an inspiring  Blackhawks victory? Another expose on budding superstar Derrick Rose? A little Superbowl coverage? Any of these??  No, But a full page picture of Jay Cutler in a stylish sweater, shorts and sandals as he followed his girl, Kristin Cavalieri out of another Rodeo Drive shop.(C'mon shopping is fantastic therapy!!)  Full page in color. I won't name which paper but, WTF?? What do we want from this guy? Pictures of a repentant Jay Cutler, head bowed in church, crutches leaning against the pew, his braced knee too straight to kneel, his mind too distraught for dating, begging Saint Ditka's forgiveness for his transgressions?? What would these guys be writing about if we had made it to the Superbowl?? First and foremost would be how glad they all were that the injury didn't require a brace. 'Would Jay be healthy for the Superbowl?'  And Kristin would be seen as the stabilizing interest, not a beautiful distraction in Jay's life. (She's pretty damned hot, I'd be wearing stupid cardigans too like they were going out of style,they are anyway? Oh, nevermind.)  Instead we are left with nothing but a warehouse full of sour grapes with no place to put them. forgotten is the great season the Bears had; the 11 wins, the 3,200 yards passing, 232 rushing yards. Big victories over tough teams, Dallas, Philly and the Jets to name a few. An Otto Graham like performance in his first ever playoff game.The 57 sacks Jay absorbed behind a sometimes porous O line, all the while leading the Bears one game away from the final showdown. All this got me thinking.... In the Bears bizarro world where everything is the opposite of what it is, how would we feel about our QB  then?? Would we rather have this guy instead in exchange for a mediocre team??

     Setting the stage for this parallel existence  goes as follows;  The Chicago "Baers" are now coached by an absolute firebrand head coach, who despite his moniker, Likie Johnson, is an emotional madman on the sidelines while demanding victory from his team as he rails players publicly for their slipups rapping his fists atop their helmets. (I can dream.)  Ron Turner is still our Offensive Coordinator. (an easy bizarro switch from Mike Martz) Our quarterback?  Sweet, affable, always smiling, Jake Utler. Acquired in a trade from the Denver Painted Ponies, Utler has embraced his new team and city. Routinely taking time to meet fans, visit hospitals and stick around for hours signing autographs. His favorite book? The Bible. (Just like Aaron Rodgers!!) The "Baers" have just wrapped up an unsucessful season at 5-11 missing the playoffs yet again but putting forth a nice effort. a smiling Jake Utler,  is at the podium fielding questions like a champ:   

       Reporter;  "Jake, what was going through your mind this year? It didn't turn out the way you hoped. Did it?"  Jake Utler;  "Thanks for the question Tom, ooh, I really like that blazer you've got on.... I guess mostly I feel bad for my teammates as well as the fans! What I dislike most in life is disappointing  people. Whether it be our coach, Likie, our team, or our fans, you guys are the greatest by the way, or anyone in general. There was this one time I accidently took this guys parking  spot and .......Reporter; "I think we understand Jake..." Jake Utler; "Oh gosh, sorry to ramble like that!! So sorry!!"  Reporter; "Maybe if you 'rambled' a little better on the field we wouldn't be in this mess." Jake Utler; "I fully agree Tom! Having grown up in There is no Santa Claus, Ohio, as a diehard Baers fan, It was my dream of dreams to wear the number 9 Baer jersey and lead my team on the field in battle for this amazing city! I take every moment of my life as a Chicago Baer very seriously, heck, even during the offseason I find myself humming our fight song as I tie my shoes or while I help little old ladies cross busy Erie avenue. Could I be a faster runner, be more elusive?? Maybe, but gosh darn it! I'm tryin' my best for the team I love!!!!  Oh Tom, I am so sorry for raising my voice like that!"  Reporter;  "That's okay Jake....my next question, how do you hope to improve on your stats next year? I mean 11 touchdown passes and only 1500 yards passing?"  Jake Utler; "Great point Tom!" I plan on watching lots of game film as well as listening to my coaches advice full on, all the while trying to improve my footwork. Also, I will be attending the 'Open Your Heart' seminar in Sedona this April as well. I'm definitely going to keep working on my communication skills as I know it's not all about me out there!"  Reporter; "Off subject here, how is your love life?"  Jake Utler; "Hmmm....Well I really like girls, they are pretty, they smell nice and everything, but I just don't have the time to devote myself to another person right now. I went on a date with some girl, Kristin, but I couldn't keep my mind on what she was saying. She was too distracting. We're good friends now. My dedication to this team, that's my significant other!!"  Reporter; "Jake, don't you think if you perhaps you thought about yourself first for once, were a little more selfish, and spent a little less time trying to please everybody else  you might be a much better leader and turn this team around? Maybe finish 11-5 and make the playoffs?"  Jake Utler; "Boy, that sure is something to think about Tom,  I'll give it some thought."     Dave Kuhlman  bullsbearscubssoxhoxx  dave@onyerleft.com