Chicago Cubs Welcome New "Hitting" Coach.....

                                              It was the Dukes...it was the Dukes....


(The following is an outright spoof of the Cubs, Mike Quade and Mickey Ward. The Cubs Spring training season is not going the way any of us wants it, unless you're a White Sox fan.  I thought it would be fun to provide a little comic relief. I'm a die hard Cubs fan and will be until I die. But DAMN if the Cubs don't take 'Die Hard' to a completely different level sometimes!! I'm hopeful 2011 will be a great year for the Cubs and their fans but I will not be shocked if the wheels come off sometime in June. Please enjoy the following with a grain of salt!)

     Disgusted with last week's dugout occurrance, Chicago Cubs manager, Mike Quade has brought in some outside help. "Look, if we're gonna beat ourselves this year we may as well do it right!!"  The "Occurrance" we are referring to is the brawl between teammates pitcher Carlos Silva and third baseman Aramis Ramirez. "It was just pathetic!" Quade remarked, "two guys going at it like that....Doesn't Silva possess any boxing skills at all??...And Ramirez was certainly no better, leaving his left side exposed like that!! Keep your hands up man!! Come the regular season when Big Z (Carlos Zambrano, 3-0-0 lifetime dugout boxing record) gets after him Ramirez is gonna get killed!!"

    Spring training is supposed to be the time when MLB teams iron out wrinkles while prepping for the upcoming season and the Cubs have been trying their 'best' once again this year. They appear to already be in mid-season form after just one week on the field in Arizona. They have won 1 and lost 5 and are an astounding 4.5 games back of the league leaders. Quade sized up the Cubs effort thus far, "Typically it takes us at least two weeks of spring training to dig ourselves this big of a hole, but we've really been on point so far...guys are booting routine grounders and misjudging fly balls with such inaccuracy it would make (Cubs legend) Sammy Sosa jealous....and the pitching...lemme just say we will give up any sized lead at the drop of a hat."

     So with the Cubs right where they 'want' to be on the field, and manager Quade fed up with the Cubs lousy boxing skills, Cubs GM Jim Hendry announced earlier today that former boxing legend "Irish" Mickey Ward has agreed to council each and every Cubs palyer on the sweet science of boxing. "Coming on the tail of the movie about my life, The Boxer starring 'Marky Mark' Wahlberg and Christian "Batman" Bale, I couldn't be happier to be helping the Cubbies out at this point in my life!...It's all about helping a bunch of 'kids' sharpen their defense skills while keeping them ready to make that uppercut right for the knockout!!"  No stranger to taking a few lumps himself, Ward, most famous for his trilogy of bombastic boxing battles against former legend Arturo Gatti, (rest his soul) Ward won the first  of those brawls only to come out a little short in the last two...... "You've just got to keep plugging away to achieve your dream" Ward said, "I mean someone in that dugout has got to be able to take Zambrano down, and with my help we'll get it done!!"  "We are just thrilled to the bee's knees to have a guy like Mickey Ward here to help us out!!" replied an excited Hendry.

      Terms of Ward's deal were not available at the time of this printing but to have this landmark deal in place before St. Patrick's Day, the the most violent time of the year for the Irish, Ward himself included, is just fantastic. An excited Mike Quade finished the interview by remarking, "We wholeheartedly welcome 'Irish' Mickey Ward with open arms and can't wait for the real season to start...with any luck, by the end of April we will be well out of contention on the field and Ramirez and Silva as well as the rest of the team will put on some brilliant pugilistic exhibitions in the dugout for the fans!! Forget about the old saying 'Completely Useless By September'  the fans will be able to count us out at least by April 30th!! ('C.U.B.A.' ??) It's gonna be a great year.... Cubs fans can now count on more than just bad baseball for their money....well gotta go, Mickey's bunking with me." An upbeat Quade jogged away and sped off in his car presumably to meet Ward.  Looks like next year is here before it even began!!  Dave Kuhlman  bullsbearscubssoxhoxx    dave@onyerleft.com